"All The Things That Could Go Wrong"

“Children are happy because they don't have a file in their minds called "All the Things That Could Go Wrong.”
― Marianne Williamson

It's funny being at an age between a child and OLD and having a little bit of both in me. I realize the more responsibilities I've taken on in my life the more I act like a mom. "Don't put that THERE!" or "No it has to be done this way," "Adam, can you take out the trash right now?" because I know if I don't be specific he'll wait to take it out 5 days from now.

I say all these things and worry all the time because I've experienced not being prepared and having to deal with the consequences.

And for all those moms out there, you have more than one person your decisions affect so I empathize with you. But just a reminder, who really has your life in their hands?

So lets be like a child (something God said we should do) and live life instead of worrying what will go wrong with every step we take.

Epic Statement: The Proof is In the Valley

"If a man cannot prove his religion in the valley, it is not worth anything."

Along with the "Without Boundaries" series I have decided to also do "Epic Statement" which will be a quote I heard that I want to share with you guys.

So today's is by Oswald Chambers. I went to dinner with my aunt last night and she really challenged me to step up in my faith and she recommended reading My Utmost For His Highest. This was a quote that was on the website today. If you want to read today's entry of My Utmost For His Highest, click here.

Without Boundaries: Van Ness Wu

[Sorry no picture. Some technical errors]

I'm so excited about presenting this next person. More so than the others because this is a guy presenting the very things I want to talk about. He is a Taiwanese actor/singer/producer. And get this..... he's a CHRISTIAN!! And he lives it!! How exciting!!

So...Who is this?
I first saw him a Taiwanese show called Meteor Garden when I was 17 and just getting into chinese stuff. He came from America to start a career in Taiwan. A few years ago he decided to dedicate his life to Christ. Before he had said he was a christian but after the fame of being in a boy band and all that came with it he felt empty. He started talking to God and God came through.

What I am finding to be so amazing is he's still producing music, it's christian, and it sounds COOL! I mean, we seriously lack that, even in America.

Side Note:
(I want to take a second and say that I don't mean other not-so-epic-sounding songs aren't cool and that I can't worship to them. When the music takes priority over worshiping God then you are worshiping the music and not God)

But I think that if we can make music that worships God and it moves us, that that is how it should be. We should be worshiping him with the best. In different ways, because God is diverse. And God created music so why not use epic music to talk about Him?

Give This Guy Props
He's asian, he's a christian, and an entertainer.

My Vision for Asia
One time I was at a youth conference and there was a singer named Mike Kim (obviously Korean) and as I watched him worshiping I imagined the singers and entertainers in Japan performing for God. How would it look if those singers were worshiping God? It's a dream I have. There was another song that Newsboys sing and one of the lines says "The song of Asian believers Filled with God's holy fire"

That is a dream of mine to see that and experiencing just being in the room when that happens. Asians filled with the holy spirit, holding nothing back. I think asians are at their best when they don't care how they are acting. When their emotions are showing and they are giving it their all. That is beautiful. And it's one of the most tragic things their culture has done to them by telling them to hold back their emotions and "save face." It's so precious that moment when you see an asian giving their all.

The first thing that made me want to actually attempt to learn the Japanese language was when I was watching a show and the guy was yelling at someone. No I don't enjoy anger and people yelling at each other. I DO enjoy seeing someone's heart. Seeing who they really are. Without a mask. Without their act.

It's beautiful.

So when I see someone like Van ness Wu I see a part of my dream being fulfilled. And I'm floored. Check out his video: Is This All feat. Ryan Tedder

Want to see more about Van Ness Wu? Check out his website: Alive Not Dead

Without Boundaries Series: << Previous Next>>

G Dragon
August Rush
Van Ness Wu

Youtube Blog...Video Blog....Vlog??

For years I've wanted to use my youtube account for something other than watching videos and subscribing to channels. Now, I have a fabulous way to use it!

How did this idea start?
I was watching a video from Victor King and he was talking about this idea of his called Kingdom Mentality which is the idea that we have gifts, abilities, and dreams and they are our inheritance. Now, that soundly oddly familiar to me because it sounded just like what Christopher Hopper was teaching us at Dibor.

It got me thinking, people may not watch my videos because they probably won't be entertaining since I am not a comedian, I'm not a good enough singer, I don't have a weird talent, and I am not camera/internet/ tech savvy. I know some things but my videos would be pretty low tech.


AND THE IDEA.....??????
Kingdom Culture! Talking about kingdom ideas and principles that are in every day life. That are relevant to people like you and me today. What God is trying to bring to your life everyday! And it's not a bunch of:

~~~
"Well it says in the book of Acts....blah blah... so we need to find ways to implement that into our every day lives...."

'Great. How am I suppose to do that? This is boring. I'm going to go watch something not so lame.'

And then they turn it off and no one watches my channel. What a wast of time for them, for you, and for me.
~~~


But what wouldn't be a waste is to speak about truth and power that God wants to bring in our daily lives. Giving us something to be passionate about. To fight for. To put our creativity and intelligence into things that would seem minor to others but are monumental to the kingdom. And to me, if ONE person, only one, sees 10 seconds of one of my videos and it brings more of kingdom living to their lives it would not be wasted.

Like Christopher kept trying to get across to us is that we have Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, cell phones that can record video, send instant messages to anyone around the world, all this power and ability, literally, in our pockets, at the press of a button (or a couple) and we as Christians have not been using to the full effect as the world has. We've used it some but the world makes better use for God's inventions than we do! (they are God's ideas in the first place)


So, What Are We Going To Do About It?
Well, I'm going to start a Vlog talking about this kind of stuff. But if it's something I wouldn't watch while browsing through youtube then I'm not posting it. So look out for it.

Here's my channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/elfsoccer15

Subscribe and follow ^_^

What Makes Life Worth Living?

This is something that I've never written about before. I've only told a few people. When I was in elementary school, I was so depressed. I felt like all my friends left me, didn't care about me. I was nothing to everyone. The only person who would be sad if I was gone would be my mom. Luckily, I believed in God enough that I had to remind myself that God loved me too.

So there I was, crying on my bed, looking at the sky outside my window. I'm thinking about killing myself somehow. I think if I jump out my window it may not be far enough unless I hit the right way. And I think "What difference would it make if I didn't exist? Nobody at school would care. It would be one less person my family would have to worry about."

And then something in my head threw out the question, "What about in the future? What if you will be doing something you love and you will marry someone that really really likes you and loves you? What if the future has what you want?"

So I chose not to kill myself. There were several times I thought about it, trully considered it. The strongest time was in Dibor. I had been living trying to protect myself and trying to be strong. Trying to figure it out.

For 3 days I tried to live without emotion. I tried not to let anything bother me and just take it. Life could do what it wanted. I'm not allowed to get upset anyway. So I just need to not care. Don't feel. Just do.

I sat there, once, in the dark (going to the bathroom, LOL) and I thought, not letting things bother me like this works but I'm on the not so great side of it. Why do I even care about living if I don't care about anything? If I don't feel anything, I don't have any desire for anything, then what is the point?

I wasn't asking this out of depression. It was simple logic. Without desire for anything, then what was the point in living? Right now I don't care if I am working or not. I don't care if I have a hundred friends or not. So, what is the goal? What is the point when you aren't striving for anything?

Again I thought about killing myself. This time I was seriously considering it. I figured I could cut my wrist and wait until I got too tired to stay awake. But as I was imagining it there was thing in me that felt like breaks. Like when you are in a car and you have to stop really quick. That's what I felt like inside. Feeling that part of myself a few times after, to me, that place is where God's spirit and my soul have become one. I knew that to go through with killing myself would be betraying who I was.

It's not like I was being forced not to because I knew that if I decided to go through with it I could turn off what I felt and just let my brain run and I could do it because at that point it would be that same as putting on clothes, washing a car, anything that just requires small little thoughts of what needs to be done next but doesn't really require much from you.

There was my choice: betray who you are or continue going. Keep going after that WHAT IF...

That night I also promised God I would stop letting suicide to be an option. I hadn't realized until just then that it had been a part of my thought process for so long.

Life isn't easy and when you aren't looking for the gifts that are being given to you, life will seem unbearable. You WILL feel alone.

And when I started seeing those things, the more I saw that life was pretty good. It wasn't as pointless or crappy as I thought. And the more I saw God in my life. I mean, opened my eyes to see what God was doing and how he felt about me and believed it was true, the more I saw I am not alone. I've never been alone.

I don't see the point in living if you are without anyone you care about and cares about you, and without purpose. Finally, I was willing to see God had that for me. He planned it for my life before the earth was created. For whatever selfish reason, I wasn't really looking for what He was doing for me.

And when you don't see what God's doing, EVERYTHING looks hopeless and pointless. That is the truth. Whatever you're going after, whatever is filling you right now, it's going to be those times in the middle of the night, in the morning before your busyness starts, when you're going to the bathroom and the whole world is shut out for a moment, those are the times you weigh your life and the things in it.

That's when I see TV and the crap on it, as just that: crap. Nothing. People wanting to be the next American Idol. Working for money. Going through lover after lover trying to find "the one." Pointless. Sometimes people strive their whole lives for stuff they will never reach. Looks. Fashion. Being the best. Even leaving a legacy or being the greatest at something and to be remembered can seem pointless.

I couldn't tell you who has ever won a Super Bowl. I don't know who won which World Series. I could've lived some where and never heard the name Obama, Washington, Hitler, Caesar, or whoever. What is the point?

So, when I'm sitting there considering these things what do I do when I open the door to face the world again?

What's worth living for? What do I value?

I value being loved and doing something monumental. And the only one that I know who is doing anything worth being called monumental is God. And He is the one that loves me so much He is with me all the time. He never leaves me.

So, that's me. That's what keeps me going. That's why I am not dead, or why I didn't die at the age of 10.

Without Boundaries: August Rush

"Listen. Can you hear it? The music. I can hear it everywhere. In the wind... in the air... in the light. It's all around us. All you have to do is open yourself up. All you have to do... is listen." -August Rush a.k.a Evan Taylor

This blog is about my journey of growing as God intended and not bending to expectations or approval of others. I'm starting a series of entries called "Without Boundaries" which will be about people who show God's out-of-the-box qualities. People who break the walls of the box we live in. They stretch limits, they're original. They live with their hearts. They are living.

"August Rush"? What a name!
Even though it is a fictional story August Rush had the characteristics for my Without Boundaries theme. In case you haven't seen the movie, August Rush is a story about a boy searching for his parents by listening to the music he hears around him. In the wind, dogs barking, car horns, and anything that makes a sound. He believes that if he follows the music and plays it that his parents will find him. He is taken in by a church and they realize he is a child prodigy. Throughout the film every instrument he picks up he learns very quickly on his own to play it at a professional level. The pastor of the church sends him to Julliard where he conducts a rhapsody at a performance where his mother finds him and reunites with his father.

"Sometimes the world tries to knock it out of you. But I believe in music the way that some people believe in fairy tales."
There are several "bullies" in the film that try to make the main characters (Evan and his parents) do what they want them to do and be who they tell them to be.

At the beginning of the film there is a bully at the orphanage that calls Evan a freak and tells him that he can't hear his parents and he will never see them.

Evan's mom, Lyla, is controlled by her father who pushes her in her career as a cellist.

His father, Louis, is forced by his brother to keep performing in their rock band long after Louis wants to quit.

Later, when Evan runs away to NYC he meets Wizard who exploits young homeless children by making them perform music on the street for money. When he sees Evan's talent he uses him to get gigs at local bars. One time when Wizard tells him to stop playing and Evan protests, he throws Evan against a wall and yells, "You play when I say play. You breathe when I say breathe! You got that boy? You forget about your parents! They were pretty quick to forget about you!"

But unrelentingly, Evan doesn't let the perceptions of the bullies in his life define who he is or distract him from his goal: to be found by his parents.


The music is all around us, all you have to do is listen
All throughout the movie you want to be a part of this music. More than the story, Evan's passion about music stirs your soul. We all want to be a part of something greater than ourselves. And Evan's journey by music entices that part of your soul and it invites you in through the music played throughout the movie.

DJ's Got Us Falling In Love Again
Christopher Hopper said something really epic. He said,"Music is the only form of media that we allow into our soul uninvited." Think about the songs you listen to on a regular basis. Take a second and remember what the words are actually saying. When you listen to those songs do you always feel/think the way the artist is in that song? But you sing it with such conviction anyway. Why? Because it speaks to your soul. Have you ever felt your heartbreaking when you sing a love song even though you haven't recently had your heart broken. Actually, life is going pretty well for you but that you still feel the ache when you sing it?

Can't Sing "Mr. Brightside"
I can't sing "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers anymore because it affects me so much that I want to cry, even though I am not in love, I've never been in love with a prostitute and I don't know what it feels like to be in that situation... I'm not a man and I am not in love with a woman. So this song doesn't really speak to anything that has happened in my life. But I still feel his pain as my own. By the second verse I want to cry. I want to puke at the thought of her being in someone else's arms.

So, do you agree we allow music in our souls uninvited or do you think that you are unaffected by what you listen to?

If there is a song(s) that affect you for no reason, what are they? What is the song about and what do you think/feel when you listen to it?

Post your comments. 'Cause I like 'em ^_^

If you would like to see more thoughts about how music affects us check out this link: MUSIC

Without Boundaries Series: << Previous Next>>

G Dragon
August Rush
Van Ness Wu

Without Boundaries: G Dragon

"Too fast to live, too young to die" -Kown Ji Yong (G-Dragon)

This blog is about my journey of growing as God intended and not bending to expectations or approval of others. I'm starting a series of entries called "Without Boundaries" which will be about people who show God's out-of-the-box qualities. People who break the walls of the box we live in. They stretch limits, they're original. They live with their hearts. They are living.

"G" who? o_0
So, my first person is G-Dragon, who's real name is Kwon Ji Yong. He is a member of the korean hip hop group, Big Bang. Besides the success Big Bang has had, his own album and collaboration with band member T.O.P has won awards. CNN listed G Dragon 30th in 50 Reasons Why Seoul is the World's Greatest City

What's He Like?
After watching videos of G-dragon, he is a playful person who likes to joke around and have a good time and then when he's working he submerges himself and is very focused and serious.

A Real Face
What I started to notice was the way his "face" was different from other asian celebrities. When someone is famous long enough the things they say and their smiles become almost forced and sort of on queue. Like performing lines. Also when you take into account general asian culture of being overly polite and really vague about your true feelings and thoughts. G-dragon has written several songs for the band, which is rare for asian musicians to write their own music, that are very personal.

Fashionista
At some point you will see young people obsessing about how they look, constantly checking in the mirror to see if their hair is okay. And they'll find opportunities to brag about what kind of shoes they have or how cool they looks. Which isn't much different from the average person but he doesn't even do that. I've watched a lot of behind the scenes videos with him in them and he barely mentions his clothes, which is interesting since he's been labeled a "fashionista" for influencing korean fashion. And the guy is only 23 years old!

One Word: HEART
G Dragon doesn't hide who he is and what he likes. He puts his heart into what he does and you can tell. I greatly admire and respect him for how hardworking he is but keeping his heart. He's human and there are some things I disagree with that he's done, and his style isn't always to my taste. But, he is unique in that he shows his heart. Western culture doesn't always promote this ("Be tough. Be a man. Stop being so sensitive." I think we've heard one or all of those at one time) and asian culture is even more restrictive in how you should express yourself.

Check out his music video with Big Bang: Big Bang- Haru Haru

Without Boundaries Series: Next >>

G-Dragon
August Rush
Van Ness Wu

If God Didn't See Me Hurting I Would Die From Heartbreak

Sorry I haven't updated my blog for a while. One reason was that the internet was out for about a week but mostly it's because in a way I was avoiding God.

A while ago I asked God to start speaking to me in more ways, more like actually talking I can hear. An actually voice that is not mine in my head. I wanted more. And when I would wake up the next day and realize God didn't appear in a dream, go to bed that night asking again, try to talk with him, and go to bed disappointed, I felt hurt. So I stopped talking all together. I avoided Him. I didn't touch my bible. I didn't talk to Him. I would think about Him. I didn't want to face what I was feeling by writing it down 'cause I knew He'd be there. I knew He knew what I was thinking and feeling anyway but I didn't want to face it.

Through lots of time and facing the issue, it boiled down to: ask God and sit and watch patiently while you trust Him to come through.

I also learned that my biggest fear in life is being disappointing. I don't care if someone has expectations and I don't meet them... as long as they aren't close. There are people in my life that I care if I disappoint them in certain things. I value the standing I have with them. I want them to see me a certain way. I am afraid of not being the person they think I am.

And the person I fear that happening with the most is the person that knows me the best. That's why if I don't think about it I can pretend maybe He won't see it. Maybe if I stop talking to Him then He won't hear my insecurity and just look past me. It's funny when we are afraid of something happening, what we would like to happen is the thing we ACTUALLY hate the most. If I knew God just looked past me, didn't see my hurt, that would kill me. To be honest, the pain of the reality of that (if it was possible)would probably kill me for real. There is no heartbreak worst than knowing God doesn't care.

The Ugly Truth

Beautiful, lush wildlife surrounding Adam and Eve. Living without want and basking in perfect love, by Love itself. What more could you ask for?

Satan goes after Eve. She resembles God's beauty, something he use to be. She possesses the very thing he gave up when he tried to become God. And how does Eve fall for it? She questions if God is really holding out on her. That there is something he isn't giving her that she should have.

So she takes things into her own hands.

She takes control of the situation..... and sin enters the world.

Why We Love Chick-flicks
Have you ever realized how many movies, how many chick-flicks are about women who have to control their lives (generally Katherine Heigl(The Ugly Truth) plays a lot of these roles in her films). She's afraid of getting hurt and suddenly a man enters her life, which at first is seems like a loser who lacks all manners but can see through the crap that the female protagonist tries to put on like she has it all together.

Fairly predictable.

But it moves something in me. And my heart clings even tighter to the hope that someone will see through my defenses and the lies I tell myself and someone will want me enough to fight for me.

Control
But before we get to that, girls, our struggle? What is it? Just like Eve, aren't there things in your life that you have to have it go the way you want or you'll freak? For me, I need men to know that they cannot dominate me. I don't have a vendetta to make them all feel inferior, I just want them to know that they cannot take advantage of me or anyone else. When I sense that I guy is pushing his weight around I jump in. I attack the one thing that I know I can hurt, their ego. I pick out their weak points and try to tear them a part. Even if I'm not exactly on the mark. Anything to show them they can't do what they want.

Why??
I do it because I'm scared. I'm afraid I will be hurt. That a man will start to control me to a point that I can't get out.

What am I really doing? The very thing that God gave men, their strength, is the very thing that I NEED to receive from a man for my beauty to come out, I reject. But, I can't let go of that control. I don't trust men and I, obviously, don't trust God to take care of me if the men in my life fail.

I am taking things into my own hands. If I don't take care of myself no one else will. No one is looking to cover my back. And even if they wanted to they don't have the strength. Even if they wanted to, would they fight if they had to fight me to save me from myself??

The question every woman, every girl, is asking: Am I captivating? Am I beautiful? Am I worth fighting for?

And when those questions are answered badly, like "you're ugly. you're nothing." Maybe you were raped and anything attractive about you is dark, disgusting. Or like me, your father wasn't there so the answer is nothing. And it hurts just as much. The thoughts come rushing in "I guess not. Even if there was someone to answer they'd probably say no. Especially since they didn't show up to give you one."

So we take things into our control. No one gets close enough unless I say they do. But they'll have to show me they won't hurt me before that'll happen. I don't want to feel lonely so I'll just consume myself with work. If I cut deep enough I can be in control of my pain. If I have sex when I want then I can be in control, not like when that happened.

The ways we try to keep control. We hold on to what we can.

But where does that get us? We become hard. We build up defenses until we are surrounded by a fortress that smothers us and leaves us alone.

HOPE
So now that we've looked at what we're doing, what's the point? What do we do about it?

Well, I'm glad you asked ^_^ We need to know we're loved. We need to know that we are captivating and that someone is willing to fight for us.

Jesus has fought evil, endured people ridiculing him, spitting on him, beating the crap out of him, mutilating him, all for you. With every blow he took, he took it for you. Jesus is a prince, he's God's son. And he's got his eyes set on you. And not only did he fight for your soul two thousand years ago, he fights for your heart every day. In nature, circumstances in your life, with the good things he wants to lavish gifts on you and in hard times he is holding out his hand asking "Do you trust me?"

He is fighting for your heart every minute of every day. "Look at me. Trust me. I want you to get to know me. Spend time with me. I don't care that you just did that thing you're not suppose to do five minutes ago, I want you. You are beautiful. Come see that I am good."

When you realize that the one person who knows you the best, knows how to love you the best is fighting for your love, your perspective on life changes. You start to relax more. You stop questioning how you look or what other people are thinking of you. You actually start becoming more like you than you realized was there.

The ugly truth is that no one on earth is going to fill that void in your heart. People will fail you at some point. You will fail other people. But, the beautiful truth is that Jesus does fill that void and he loves you in a way you could never imagine. And he's not just some replacement because you weren't loved the way you were suppose to be. Love here on earth only pales in comparison to the love Jesus wants to give you and were designed for.

In the past few weeks, I've been so surprised when I am talking to people and I realize that I am not worried about saying the right thing, wondering if they really care about me. Happiness is dependent on something. Joy is dependent on someone. Being comfortable with who you are is knowing that you are worth a lot, you are beautiful, you are wanted and you are worth being fought for. And knowing that person that loves you that much.

"Do you trust me?"

Rules Are Meant To Be Broken... Or Just Formulas

Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
-Robert Frost

Everyone's had this moment. You want to do things a certain way but everyone is telling you to do it their way. And you follow them. You're not even 100% sure your way is right but they seem more sure than you. Maybe they are older.Maybe they've been doing it longer.

Whatever the reason, we resigned. We follow the path taken by most and look back longingly at the one we wanted to take but was full of uncertainty.

The Path Taken By Most

I had a friendship with a boy. He was the ONE person in my life (I thought at the time) that saw my strength and still wanted to be around me. He actually enjoyed it. So, as any normal junior high student girl, I thought "This is it. He's the guy of my life. He accepts me for who I am." (He didn't really,because I always felt ignored when I was weak)

But for a long time I settled (in my mind), even when I didn't like that guy anymore I believed he was the best I was going to get. Not the guy of my dreams or the best in my mind but that was the best quality level I could expect to attract. I would have someone faking strength, pretending his weaknesses weren't there, and wouldn't see me for me. Now, I could take this in a whole other direction with this but I want to stay with my original direction.

I was taking the road that was saying "You know where I go. It's safe. You won't be alone. If you go the other way who knows if you will ever have anyone that will take notice again. Most likely not."

The Road Less Traveled Speaks

And as my heart would resign to the voice of the first road, a voice whispered "What if? What if you can everything you really want? You can't see where I go but you know what can be down this road. But you won't experience it if you settle now."

Confused, but swayed enough by the second voice, I rolled over and continued to cry on my bed. Just because I decided not to take the first road didn't mean I had the confidence to go down the other.

This is one example in love, but the voice telling you to follow what you are certain of, what the other people around you are doing too, you should follow. They are the formulas to follow. The scripts already written for your life.

"Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing...Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life; gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation" (My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers)

What we see as common sense is not always the right advice for our life. When I was going to China and I had to raise $11,500 for it. I needed $5000 of it before I boarded the plane. I had $2500 two weeks before we left. Several people asked if this is really what God wanted for me to do right now. I didn't know how to respond. I thought I knew that God wanted me to go but circumstances were saying something very different. Someone I respected told me that I should consider other options if this doesn't work out and she even had some info printed out for me. So that was my back up plan. That was the formula: when (what you want)+(what you need to do it) don't equal success at the appropriate amount of time then that equals God doesn't want you to do it.

But if we go by that formula then God did not want me to go to China. I didn't even have the $5000 I needed when I got on the plane. But I went. And I stayed for the whole nine months of the trip.

"There are no formulas with God. Period. So there are no formulas for the man who follows him." (Wild At Heart by John Elderedge)

God doesn't use formulas in our lives. He's not bound by formulas but we always want to put them on him. It's how we stay certain that things are alright. That things are in control.

God's a formula breaker. Look at Jesus he doesn't heal the same way twice. It's always different. The battle at Jericho, was it successful? Heck yes! But Israel never does it again. God's a dangerous guy who walks on the wild side of life. We are intrigued by the mystery of him but we don't want to take the risk to get out of the boat and on the water with him.

So here's the road. It's diverging. Which one are you going to take? Me, I'm taking the one less traveled and it's already making all the difference. But, it's not easy.

"Never make a principle out of your experience; let God be as original with other people as he is with you" -Oswald Chambers

Let God continue to be original with you.

Your Two Cents

"Can't they just shut up already?? I mean, can't they tell everyone just wants to move on with the discussion?"

You're in a group setting and that person gets their chance to talk, or they push their way in, and they just keep talking and talking and talking. They are telling their opinion about something, talking about their experience, but they just keep going and going without much of a point, except to talk about themselves.

You know a person like that. You are probably thinking of them right now.

And if it's in church it's even worse! You feel bad for even thinking it because it would be so rude and we should be loving towards everyone, even this person. But why can't they just take the socially appropriate amount of time to share their two cents? And not the whole five dollars!!

How often have we stopped to ask why they keep going on and on?

The more I read John Elderedge's books (Wild AT Heart, Captivating, The Sacred Romance) the clearer it becomes is that we have issues. In some way we've been hurt and neglected. We all try to find ways to cover up that pain and make sure it never hurts us again.

But... our heart is cruel and continues to cry out for love even when we try to stuff it down. We tell it to shut up. There is no love in the way you want it. Deal with it. And maybe for a while it is quiet, but in the middle of the night, in the silence after a movie, the times when you take a step back and look at your life.

Your heart lets out a quiet cry. "I want love. I want to be known."

And how do we fulfill the longing?? People. Things. We find ways to get some inkling of that feeling.

Now how does this tie in with the guy in the group that won't shut up? Indirectly, behind ALL THOSE WORDS he's saying "Look at me. Listen to me. I want to share myself. I can see you're trying to tell me to stop, but when I do I'll be ignored again. Now you're frustrated so now you will ignore me on purpose. No, I won't stop. I want to keep this moment."

One of the Dibor, Mike, was really shy. He came to Dibor and everyone assumed he was an introvert. But as God asked him to step out the more he talked. And believe me, he talked. Sometimes in discussions when someone else started talking he would butt in. We realized at some point, this kid is an extrovert. He loves talking and sharing his thoughts with people. He just didn't believe what he said had any worth.

Sometimes it was annoying, but for the most part I completely understood what was going because the same thing happened to me. In school I felt like no one cared about me. I felt ignored, disliked. So I sort of closed myself up. But when I got the chance to show myself I could go on forever. The more God healed me and showed me I was valuable the more I kept talking.

Inside it was like over the years what I had to say got bottled up instead of tossed to the side. All that desire of wanting to be heard, to be known, just bursted out of me when I got me chance to talk. Sometimes I would say things in a longer way than what needed to be said, not because I needed an excuse to talk longer but because I hadn't practiced talking as much as I needed.

So please post a comment. How have you been hiding? How long have you been hiding? I want to see you.

Rum continued....

I guess I need to clear up my purpose writing my blog "What a bottle of rum can do for you." The point is to show what God was doing with me in that instance and share the experience to show God's heart. I experienced an openness I realized I could have with God ALL the time. It is an openness that I knew at that time and know now is that I can have with God everyday. God wants that with me.

Am I going to get drunk to get that? No

Am I going to drink even a little alcohol to get there? No

I believe when I wrote that blog, first, I was in my right mind. I knew that what I wrote and what I did at that time I would not regret it later. And looking back on it I do not regret what I said or did.

My purpose with my blogs is to share my experiences so that hopefully someone somewhere sometime can get something to help them with their walk with God. Is everything I say nice and comfortable? I hope not. When life sucks where do you escape to? A lot of people use the internet. It's safe. When you want answers or just to know that someone is experiencing something you are experiencing, what do you do? If I feel too uncomfortable to talk to someone to find out if they can give me answers I go to the internet. I like to read peoples' blogs.

Matt Drake talks about somethings that I think "You can't be writing those things. Someone will get the wrong idea!" But then when I take a step back I realize I love reading his blogs anyway.

Why?

Because he's being honest. He's being transparent and I like that and want that in myself. And he's asking the same things I've asked. Thought the same things I've thought. I want to hopefully come along side people in this way, but then direct them towards God. Give them some hope that someone can feel what they are feeling and get out of it and get some answers.

I love the response of this blog. I've had more people talk to me about this one blog entry than any other. But it's cool to see that the people who are talking to me love me. They care about me. They see where alcohol, or any substance, has taken people and they don't want me to go there. And that is awesome! I love that you guys are that concerned about me. Thank you for loving me enough to confront me.

I love experiencing things with God and then sharing it with people. Not so that people can say "How nice for you" or "oh you are so holy" but I want people to be encouraged by what God is doing for me and then they would want that for themselves and ask God for it.God want you to live like I lived the other night. Not by alcohol but by being free to worship him without thinking how ridiculous you look. To talk to him without hearing the lies that you "oh you are being petty. Oh you shouldn't get so upset about something like that."

NOOOO!!!

He wants you to live with freedom and go to him with confidence that you can say what you want and be honest with your heart and show him your brokenness.

Should you use alcohol or any substance to get you there? That is not my position to say. Only God can answer that for you. My thought on it is that God wants you to willingly come to him and be honest with him. If that means you use something like alcohol or something to get you comfortable enough to do that, then that is wrong. God gave us our will for a reason. Otherwise he'd just let us move the chemicals in our bodies around so that we would come to him. That's not your will. You are not choosing him. You are not coming to him in faith or with trusting him.

God used this experience to show me what is possible for me and him. And he has shown this to me when I was on spiritual highs too. He also showed me when I was completely broken. Not hanging onto anything. So has God showed me this before alcohol?? Yes! This is just a reminder.

And the cool thing is that God kept me safe through the whole experience. He kept my mind right and he kept outside things from taking advantage of the state I was in. I am very grateful.

When Paul is writing his letter to the Corinthians he talks about food offered to idols and some peopled believed that if the food was given to idols then it was a sin to eat it. Like it was unclean. But Paul said in 1 Corinthians 10:30 "If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for? So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

But it also continues to say "Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved."

So is this licence to drink? If that's what you're going for. No. But everything God made with a purpose and we are to be thankful for it. But like it says if it causes someone to stumble, if it hurts someone's faith then it is not good. And I care about how this affects people's walk with God more than doing something that I have been given freedom to enjoy. This is not entitlement. If this hurts someone's faith then it is not right for me to do this. But I am going to acknowledge the freedom we have and share about that freedom. Not in a "in your face I'm right, you're wrong" but "hey we've been given a freedom to enjoy what God made and he wants you to see a part of him with everything he's made. He designs with a purpose."

Our eyes have to stay on him and his purpose. Sometimes he wants us to take part in a pleasure he's made for us, sometimes he doesn't want you to because it will hurt someone, and sometimes he doesn't let you because you can't handle at this point.

My point: seek God. I am. And he's teaching me new things every day. What people say is right or wrong is not the ultimate authority. God is and we need to see what he says. He gave a wonderful book for us so that we can see his heart for us.

I like the feedback. Keep it up. I'm going to reply to comments from now on. Sorry for not doing it so much in the past.

What A Bottle of Rum Can Do For You

I haven't posted in a while, but if you are interested in what I was doing you can read my blog from this past year while I was Dibor, a discipleship program in NY, at: enterthedibor.blogspot.com

I have turned 21 and I have drank alcohol on my 21st birthday, which I drank with my friend Esther who is the same exact age as me. So we celebrated it together. Today I was alone ALL day long. It was pretty good because I think God could talk to me more since I wasn't distracted by other people. I had a toothache and I thought putting some of the alcohol I bought would help. It did. Put now I feel a little tipsy, that's the word I think they use for this. The feeling isn't much different from taking 2 or 3 Benedryll, except that you are not as tired. And rum, if you plug your nose, isn't much different from the taste of Dayquil/Nyquil.

Anyway, the reason I want to write this isn't to talk about being drunk or anything like that, but what God is showing me with this. I feel very free at the moment. I can't hear Satan's lies about how ridiculous I look while I am on the floor crying out to God while I sing Forever Reign. I say out loud what comes to mind. I am free to talk with God without having to hear and be constrained by what Satan is telling me.

I think most people would look at me and say that I am drunk.I do have a somewhat hard time walking straight, but like I said it's no different than when I have taken Benedryll, except I'm not as tired. But what is going on in my mind is much different than what you can see on the outside. I am thinking clearly. I mean, I can type this well enough. The point is, I'm at a point I want to be at the rest of my life. Living in freedom. I am being everything in my mind I've wanted to do but would always hesitate and never do. Instead of just thinking things to God, I am saying them loud and clear. No reservations. From my heart straight to him. No mind interaction. Isn't that the reason for speaking in tongues. Talking to God without our minds, our little understanding of things to get in the way. Believe me, I am not promoting drinking, let alone drunkenness. I never want to get anywhere beyond this point. I think God is making sure that at least my mind is all together. And this isn't the way to have relationship with God.

What I am trying to say is that it is showing me what Adele looks like when she's not worried about what she looks like or what she sound like.

It is pure Adele.

And it is my aim to be like this everyday of my life. Constantly 100% me with God, all the time. Yeah, my body feels pretty good, but you know my spirit feels pretty free right now. And if my body has to endure pain or whatever the cost, I intend to live with openness like this with God for the rest of my life.

A substance or experience isn't going to keep you like this with God. Being all open with God over and over again isn't going to come through any other means because anything you go to besides God is an addiction. And addictions are a brilliant design from Satan to keep you prisoner and sidetracked from God.

The wrong idea we have is formulas. They work in science and math but not with God. He doesn't like doing things the same way twice. When Jesus healed in the bible, he spits on someone, he spits in the dirt and then rubs it on their eyes, he touches them, he says "Get up and walk", and sometimes all he says is "Your faith has healed you." I mean where is the mediocrity in that?!!!

And we have addictions/formulas on how we get God to move the way we want him to. But hey, SURPRISE!! God doesn't move because we want him to, he does it because He wants to. But he's chosen to wait until we want him to. HOW Romantic!! So these formulas. Well here's one: "If I ask God again, with more praising and more of the spiritual warfare lingo maybe he'll come through" or what about "If I fast for seven days (God's special number) then God will give me the raise I need"

Hey! I'e done that thinking A LOT! I've believed that no matter what I am thinking or feeling, if I do what God wants, if I sacrifice the right way or say the right specific thing I will get what I want.

We BELIEVE these lies and this way of life is just like any other addiction. It's what we rely on other than the heart of God. We want to take life into our control and get what we want if we do these certain things. How different is this logic than anyone who has any kind of addiction. "I can't get a hold of things, but if I do this I know what result I will get and its going to make everything better." I'm not talking about the physical stuff of addictions, but our way of justifying in our minds.

God is not a cash machine that if we press the right buttons in the right combination then he will come through for us. That's religion at it's very best. It's pretending, being a poser ad that's how we lose our hearts. That's where we become cold, we lose ourselves and we start to wonder why we are doing this in the first place.

I've been there. And it sucks!

But not seeing God's heart, we lose our own. By not seeing who he is and his purpose for us, we lose ours.

God just wants your heart back. And he wants you to see his.

Adam is HERE!!

Adam finally got here for redline. I'm soooo excited. Adam is definitely here for a purpose and he can even tell because the past week he's just had a really hard time with stuff. He realized it was probably because he was going to redline. I think Adam is going to encounter some things he wouldn't if he hadn't come.