Sorry I haven't updated my blog for a while. One reason was that the internet was out for about a week but mostly it's because in a way I was avoiding God.
A while ago I asked God to start speaking to me in more ways, more like actually talking I can hear. An actually voice that is not mine in my head. I wanted more. And when I would wake up the next day and realize God didn't appear in a dream, go to bed that night asking again, try to talk with him, and go to bed disappointed, I felt hurt. So I stopped talking all together. I avoided Him. I didn't touch my bible. I didn't talk to Him. I would think about Him. I didn't want to face what I was feeling by writing it down 'cause I knew He'd be there. I knew He knew what I was thinking and feeling anyway but I didn't want to face it.
Through lots of time and facing the issue, it boiled down to: ask God and sit and watch patiently while you trust Him to come through.
I also learned that my biggest fear in life is being disappointing. I don't care if someone has expectations and I don't meet them... as long as they aren't close. There are people in my life that I care if I disappoint them in certain things. I value the standing I have with them. I want them to see me a certain way. I am afraid of not being the person they think I am.
And the person I fear that happening with the most is the person that knows me the best. That's why if I don't think about it I can pretend maybe He won't see it. Maybe if I stop talking to Him then He won't hear my insecurity and just look past me. It's funny when we are afraid of something happening, what we would like to happen is the thing we ACTUALLY hate the most. If I knew God just looked past me, didn't see my hurt, that would kill me. To be honest, the pain of the reality of that (if it was possible)would probably kill me for real. There is no heartbreak worst than knowing God doesn't care.
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