What Makes Life Worth Living?

This is something that I've never written about before. I've only told a few people. When I was in elementary school, I was so depressed. I felt like all my friends left me, didn't care about me. I was nothing to everyone. The only person who would be sad if I was gone would be my mom. Luckily, I believed in God enough that I had to remind myself that God loved me too.

So there I was, crying on my bed, looking at the sky outside my window. I'm thinking about killing myself somehow. I think if I jump out my window it may not be far enough unless I hit the right way. And I think "What difference would it make if I didn't exist? Nobody at school would care. It would be one less person my family would have to worry about."

And then something in my head threw out the question, "What about in the future? What if you will be doing something you love and you will marry someone that really really likes you and loves you? What if the future has what you want?"

So I chose not to kill myself. There were several times I thought about it, trully considered it. The strongest time was in Dibor. I had been living trying to protect myself and trying to be strong. Trying to figure it out.

For 3 days I tried to live without emotion. I tried not to let anything bother me and just take it. Life could do what it wanted. I'm not allowed to get upset anyway. So I just need to not care. Don't feel. Just do.

I sat there, once, in the dark (going to the bathroom, LOL) and I thought, not letting things bother me like this works but I'm on the not so great side of it. Why do I even care about living if I don't care about anything? If I don't feel anything, I don't have any desire for anything, then what is the point?

I wasn't asking this out of depression. It was simple logic. Without desire for anything, then what was the point in living? Right now I don't care if I am working or not. I don't care if I have a hundred friends or not. So, what is the goal? What is the point when you aren't striving for anything?

Again I thought about killing myself. This time I was seriously considering it. I figured I could cut my wrist and wait until I got too tired to stay awake. But as I was imagining it there was thing in me that felt like breaks. Like when you are in a car and you have to stop really quick. That's what I felt like inside. Feeling that part of myself a few times after, to me, that place is where God's spirit and my soul have become one. I knew that to go through with killing myself would be betraying who I was.

It's not like I was being forced not to because I knew that if I decided to go through with it I could turn off what I felt and just let my brain run and I could do it because at that point it would be that same as putting on clothes, washing a car, anything that just requires small little thoughts of what needs to be done next but doesn't really require much from you.

There was my choice: betray who you are or continue going. Keep going after that WHAT IF...

That night I also promised God I would stop letting suicide to be an option. I hadn't realized until just then that it had been a part of my thought process for so long.

Life isn't easy and when you aren't looking for the gifts that are being given to you, life will seem unbearable. You WILL feel alone.

And when I started seeing those things, the more I saw that life was pretty good. It wasn't as pointless or crappy as I thought. And the more I saw God in my life. I mean, opened my eyes to see what God was doing and how he felt about me and believed it was true, the more I saw I am not alone. I've never been alone.

I don't see the point in living if you are without anyone you care about and cares about you, and without purpose. Finally, I was willing to see God had that for me. He planned it for my life before the earth was created. For whatever selfish reason, I wasn't really looking for what He was doing for me.

And when you don't see what God's doing, EVERYTHING looks hopeless and pointless. That is the truth. Whatever you're going after, whatever is filling you right now, it's going to be those times in the middle of the night, in the morning before your busyness starts, when you're going to the bathroom and the whole world is shut out for a moment, those are the times you weigh your life and the things in it.

That's when I see TV and the crap on it, as just that: crap. Nothing. People wanting to be the next American Idol. Working for money. Going through lover after lover trying to find "the one." Pointless. Sometimes people strive their whole lives for stuff they will never reach. Looks. Fashion. Being the best. Even leaving a legacy or being the greatest at something and to be remembered can seem pointless.

I couldn't tell you who has ever won a Super Bowl. I don't know who won which World Series. I could've lived some where and never heard the name Obama, Washington, Hitler, Caesar, or whoever. What is the point?

So, when I'm sitting there considering these things what do I do when I open the door to face the world again?

What's worth living for? What do I value?

I value being loved and doing something monumental. And the only one that I know who is doing anything worth being called monumental is God. And He is the one that loves me so much He is with me all the time. He never leaves me.

So, that's me. That's what keeps me going. That's why I am not dead, or why I didn't die at the age of 10.