2 Long 2 Read

It irritates me that I don't like where I work but on my days off I get so bored I would rather work than sit at home doing nothing thinking youtube will entertain me. All my friends are either out of the state or at work, where I am not, because it's my day off. I go in and out of hating my life and realizing that it's not bad, and actually how I've wanted it for a while. I am free to do what I please, whenever I want. There is no alcohol/smoking ban that I have committed to. I hang out with whoever and it doesn't matter if I talk to them about God or not. Or that I'm even a good person around them. I want a companion but I also just don't want to care.I want to be content being without anyone close (and not just talking about being in a relationship). There are times I like the idea and other times make me want to give up on life. Talking about stuff doesn't make it better anymore. Alcohol sucks. Hanging out with people helps , or helps me forget, but when people are busy and I'm bored, it sucks again. I haven't tried smoking anything but i don't really care to. It all smells bad and I don't want to smell like it or have it in my lungs. Pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane is God. I mean He doesn't always make me feel better but I have someone who sees me. Someone I can talk to. Someone who knows what I want to say without me having to work to put it into words. There is no stress when it comes to him. He wants real, authentic love so I won't be fake with him. Actually my brain can't handle being fake with him anymore. With people in general I have to filter my thoughts so that 1) i make sense and 2) I don't say something I didn't intend for it to sound like. That can take a lot of work especially with people who don't know me well. So all day I am trying to adjust what I'm about to say, like proof reading as you're talking. Also I am observing people's actions and words, trying to decipher what they are revealing about themselves. My inner thoughts: "He said he is friends with her but he had this weird sort of sad/upset/disappointed-look, so maybe even though they are friends they just had a fight." So then I try to direct the conversation to confirm my thoughts, to see if I am interpreting correctly. It's kind of like when you say something and your friend raises their eyebrows like "you are weird" and you're like "What??" You are reading their expression and you know what they are thinking,its like that but with smaller expressions mixed in what they say and what they are actually saying. It's something I absolutely love doing but if I am not in a good mindset myself, I get really worn out from my own attitude and all the over thinking. My way of thinking is really good when it comes to treating people the right way and counseling but not when I am insecure. It pumps my insecurity up 10 levels. because then it's the "well they said that as a joke but what if its like half serious. Do they actually secretly think I'm annoying but they won't come out and say it because they don't want to be mean....." You get the gist. And it makes me feel more alone. See, you might be reading this thinking "You need to chill out and stop over thinking" or "this chick is just crazy!" And either one may be right, but it doesn't make me stop from doing it. Because i've had numerous people say that but I keep doing it. So I'm thinking, probably no one reads this and if the occasional passerby does, if i make this long enough they probably won't. I freaking hate love. Like, its the best thing in the world, but when it feels like everyone around you is experiencing it and you're not, it sucks. Like everyday, I'm showing love to people. I try to enjoy when people show me affection or show they care about me, but it gets tainted with my insecurities, paranoia, and past experiences. Like, a friend at work tells me she misses me when we haven't seen each other for a few days. But I had a really good friend tell me that every time I saw her at church, and she never tried to hang out after that. So now when someone says it to me more than twice i think "yeah, we'll see." And its horrible. This girl is being legit, I can see it in her face, but my heart doesn't take it in because I don't want to believe I'm that important to actually be missed by anyone. It's good I'm not in a relationship right now because i'd probably be really mean and find the things that get under his skin, do them, so then i can show him he doesn't really want me. Thats probably what i would do the whole time, is just be like "I'm too depressing, too annoying, too random, too silly. You won't want me. And if you like silly, I'll be too serious." I was open to pushing past my fears and hurt, but now with all that's gone on this year, I'd rather just show the worst from the start, they will assume thats how it will always be and they'll bail. People say you should take the risk of being hurt and be open to love and possibilities, but I want someone who will look into my soul and want to stay with me. I have met no one like that. So now, I have chosen to just have fun with people. I"m not serious so if they leave, they leave. If they don't care as much as I do then, no big deal. It's just fun. Does thinking like this make it easier? Well.... I'm working on it. In some ways I'm not so paranoid, like questioning things people do or say, so i enjoy them better and see them better. Like, see who they really are, better. But that ache for wanting intimacy doesn't go away. When I'm laughing with friends, or when someone tells me I'm cute or adorable, or kissing someone, its easy to forget. Not that i feel like those are times of great intimacy but its enough going on that i don't feel the ache. Loneliness does not exist. I am liked and enjoyed. well i'm too tired to go on. I need sleep. Tomorrow's my day off and I need all my energy to sit there and do nothing all day. What fun!! But it better than getting stressed at work I guess.

The Person That I See

You're crying out for something, But I'm not sure what it is. Maybe some love, or acceptance. I can see it in your eyes right when you're about to cry. You're asking for something and i wish i could give it to you, but all I can do is tell you: You're awesome! and I can't get enough you're a different kind of person someone I want to spend all my time with It's wrong how all the people in your life can't see what I see and treat you right. You don't know how unique you are. How I wish I could be more like you. You cover your pain with a laugh I know because we say we don't care and try to be tough. You make yourself sound stupid so no one can see you're torn up inside and lonely. But you're okay. I like what I see. A man who cares for those around him. Causes a raucous so he takes the punishment to protect the one he cares for so they won't get hit. I see a boy, turning into a man Who does great, but doesn't think he can.

What I Want

(a song i wrote) turn up the music up loud I don't want to listen to the sound Of your voice inside my head replaying all those things you said How am I suppose to deal with this? When I was little, I made a list of every kind of pain i wanna miss if i never open my heart, even with a kiss But then you looked me in the eyes Even after all my pretending and my lies You didn't yell or feed me lines You didn't flinch when you saw my other side You won't move, I'll run away You want to talk, maybe some other day Please leave, and don't say.. don't tell me it's okay that I'm okay Don't worry, I'll give you a reason to be punished for this treason we're in each others' lives for a season life will be good and I'll be leavin I'll make it sound like i give up and maybe I'll always stay in this rut you want a princess and I'm not I'll never tell you, but you're everything i want

Recently I've been thinking a lot about relationships.

I feel neglected and undesired. Mostly because I feel like no one in my life pursues time with me. People don't come up to me and try to figure out a time to hang out. I guess this sounds selfish and that I am being unreasonable, but it is a very important thing for me. And after struggling to get time with people, I get frustrated. I feel like no one makes time for me. And I don't feel valued. I then I start to think "Well I'm not worth the time apparently. I'm not important enough to make time for."

I feel alone. I feel stupid for thinking the relationship was one way and here it is not as important to them as I thought. I am not as important as I thought.

It's become even more of a struggle when my friends are in a relationship. None of them, while being in a relationship, pursue time with me. I have to keep asking them when they are free and work around their schedule. Right now, I am not busy at all so I don't mind working around when they are free, though.

Also there is this constant feeling that I am not known. Like, even though people know me they see one way. My family sees the "me" when I was in middle school and high school. Back then I had a lot of junk in my life and didn't realize the problems it caused. So I wasn't the funnest person to be around.

I've changed so much and I'm not saying that I don't struggle with the same kinds of problems or that I am perfect now. But I feel like no one takes the time to see who I am now. To know the real "me" that has started to come out.

CONFLICT

At times with conflict with people, and I know I am at fault, I feel my value is way less than zero. I feel like I am not even human at that point. I feel the lowest and the most alone. I know I try to avoid being wrong because I don't want to feel like I am in that position. When I am wrong, I feel like no one is in my corner.

MY REAL VALUE?

I know God says that our value isn't determined this way. That God already said how much we're worth when Jesus went to the cross. I know this but without someone speaking any positiveness to me, I have a hard time believing it. My love language is words of affirmation, so obviously conflict with someone and them telling me how wrong I am and not wanting to be around me hurts a lot. And my whole life I always went to people first and not God. So that is my default. Dibor really helped with that because I couldn't go to anyone because we weren't suppose to be complaining to other people about a problem with someone else and then my roommate was going through similar pressures and frustrations so it was more like putting more puss on an infected wound that she was trying to let God clean and heal.

So I had no choice but to go to God. There was no one else who could understand or I could tell without getting blow back from it. I haven't felt crappy in a while so I fell into the thought that I could handle this and that I couldn't be wrong.

At first I thought "Great! I got no where! I still have entitlement problems. I defaulted to people instead of God. I suck!! What is the point? I am the worst. I say I'm good and now I'm an arrogant jerk."

But luckily God's spoken wisdom to me through several people and it's kind of a test. It's not about "Did you give into temptation? Oh, you did? F minus for you.... oh yeah and the naughty list too. No one will be your friends again. Oh also God thinks you're lukewarm and he is spitting you out of his mouth right now."

YOU JUST WENT OFF THE ROAD FOR A LITTLE BIT, THAT'S ALL

What it's about is how you handle it. I read this book about this guy who wrote about sexual sin. And he was addicted to porn then God came into his life and he stopped looking at it and started a ministry for men. And one time, he had just done an interview about what God saved him from and the bondage and they talked about his ministry. And on the way home he stopped off somewhere and got really tempted to look at porn (I forget how it exactly happened) and he did. And then he was like "What am I doing??" And went home.

He said he felt so awful. For several years he never looked at that stuff and he was JUST at an interview where he said that God delivered him from that. And he said that God reminded him of his time when he was taking a driving test to be a deputy and he went around a curve, went off the track but miraculously got back onto the course and when he finished he apologized to the instructor. The instructor said "What are you talking about? You went off the course that one time but you got right back on." And God was like "Yeah you got off track but you got right back on."

So all that to say that is what I think about when I do something I thought I didn't have problems with anymore. Yeah I feel bad at first and I start kicking myself but then I remember it's about getting back on than the fact that you went off course.

God knows you are going to fail. He knows that I am going to do this again. He knows how selfish I am. He knows how arrogant I am. But that's not what He's focused on. He's like "You know what you did. You see it was wrong. You don't like how it feels. Alright now lets choose to get right back on ('cause it depends on if you want to or not) and continue where we left off."

God's so simple sometimes. I love how He's like "I'm going to use the foolish things of this world." He just uses the simplest little things to say to us and it is exactly what we need. Nothing more.

I don't know, my spirit already feels better. Feels less heavy. I know God's like "Just look at me." And I'm like "No! I'm pissed. I'm going to blare my music. I am going to to whatever since I've failed already. I don't want to feel better. I don't you to love on me. I'll just have my nose rubbed in it even more."

And at this point in my life, God's like "You know I don't work that way."

God Is the Manliest Man I Know

"How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another" Isn't God so.....cool! Manly! Uninhibited! So freakin' AWESOME!! I mean who else can spout this out and be able to back it up??

Isaiah 48:11

My Achy Breaky Heart

Now I know what it is to have a grieving spirit. In the past 2 weeks I've have heard of two atrocities.


NORTH KOREA
One was when I was at my friend's house and we were trying to find something on Netflix to watch. So we both like documentaries and love Asia so when we found these 2 documentaries on North Korea we had to watch them.

In one of the documentaries a man from the middle east went to North Korea to reach a goal of healing 100 patients with cataracts. He, as so few have, was able to come in a treat the North Korean people. They said kids don't develop cataracts but when malnutritioned, anyone can get it. And there are several children there who develop this.

And the North Koreans are so deceived that when they were healed of their cataracts, instead of thanking this doctor or his team, the people would immediately go to the picture of their leaders, Kim Jung Il and Kim Sung Il, and bowed and thanked them with great enthusiasm. And then after this whole room full of people, over 100 patients, had realized they were healed thanked and basically worshiped these men, who were the reason most of them were malnutrioned and developed cataracts in the first place.

And as I stare at this screen watching over 100 people worship these men and knowing that a lot of the country sees them as gods, I felt sick. I was angry and I started to cry.

How dare these men lead God's creation to worship them! How dare they take this from God? This is for God and God alone. I don't know if I ever declared that before in my life before this, but I couldn't stand it! When you experience God's sovereignty and His love, it is so easy to see how no one can measure up unless they are God.

CHURCH: WHO GETS THE GLORY AGAIN??

Yesterday my mom was telling me of this church whose pastor was convicted of child molestation. And the church accepted him back and allowed him to be the pastor again.
I definitely support loving people no matter what they have done. BUT what's the point in setting standards for your leaders if they totally disregard it and then you allow them to receive their authority back? He needs some time with God first. He needs to sort through his stuff. And if the leaders in that church were asking God what they should do, I can guarantee God wouldn't have told them to put him back as the pastor.

Paul addressed sexual impurity in the church and how it should be dealt with.
Moses killed a guy and God had him wait 40 years in the desert.

And it didn't stop there. They had this scroll that was supposedly several years old, gave him the belt that held it together and then this bishop guy was declaring him a king in God's kingdom (which I believe we are only co-heirs and have only been called sons, soldiers, princes but I don't remember any of us being referred to as kings)
God is called the King of Kings.

Then they sat this man in a chair while these big buff guys lifted him up and paraded him around the stage.

Again, God is a jealous God and they are perverting what I believe in. It was disgusting as my mom told me about this video she watched of all this. I was so angry! It was like they were trying to lift this guy up and give him undeserved praise while using Christian-ese to justify what they were doing.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

What's the difference between the leaders of North Korea and this church?

A LOT!!

It's one thing to have a man that does not say he belongs to Christ to try and take the glory and honor that belongs to God but for someone who calls themselves a Christian to try to take what belongs to God, no no no NO!!

That is intolerable! God has killed for less. My mom said "I'm surprised the congregation didn't walk out." And I thought if I was there I would do that, but thinking about it more I just get so angry that I think I would say something. The more I swish this around in my mind the more I want to get up there stop the whole thing and show how wrong it is. It's just unbelievable.

MY ACHY BREAKY HEART

These people who try to take away God's honor, glory and praise and love.

How dare they?!

And inside my heart aches and my spirit grieves. When the spirit grieves it makes me feel like my soul wants to puke, like Noh Face from Spirited Away.

It's weird because I don't feel sick in my stomach, it's in my chest. Kind of like the feeling when you have horrible sick dream and as you wake up that feeling affects your whole body. You don't even want to start your day because you feel so disturbed, so sickened.

That's how I feel when I see and hear about these people doing this kind of crap.

"All The Things That Could Go Wrong"

“Children are happy because they don't have a file in their minds called "All the Things That Could Go Wrong.”
― Marianne Williamson

It's funny being at an age between a child and OLD and having a little bit of both in me. I realize the more responsibilities I've taken on in my life the more I act like a mom. "Don't put that THERE!" or "No it has to be done this way," "Adam, can you take out the trash right now?" because I know if I don't be specific he'll wait to take it out 5 days from now.

I say all these things and worry all the time because I've experienced not being prepared and having to deal with the consequences.

And for all those moms out there, you have more than one person your decisions affect so I empathize with you. But just a reminder, who really has your life in their hands?

So lets be like a child (something God said we should do) and live life instead of worrying what will go wrong with every step we take.