2 Long 2 Read

It irritates me that I don't like where I work but on my days off I get so bored I would rather work than sit at home doing nothing thinking youtube will entertain me. All my friends are either out of the state or at work, where I am not, because it's my day off. I go in and out of hating my life and realizing that it's not bad, and actually how I've wanted it for a while. I am free to do what I please, whenever I want. There is no alcohol/smoking ban that I have committed to. I hang out with whoever and it doesn't matter if I talk to them about God or not. Or that I'm even a good person around them. I want a companion but I also just don't want to care.I want to be content being without anyone close (and not just talking about being in a relationship). There are times I like the idea and other times make me want to give up on life. Talking about stuff doesn't make it better anymore. Alcohol sucks. Hanging out with people helps , or helps me forget, but when people are busy and I'm bored, it sucks again. I haven't tried smoking anything but i don't really care to. It all smells bad and I don't want to smell like it or have it in my lungs. Pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane is God. I mean He doesn't always make me feel better but I have someone who sees me. Someone I can talk to. Someone who knows what I want to say without me having to work to put it into words. There is no stress when it comes to him. He wants real, authentic love so I won't be fake with him. Actually my brain can't handle being fake with him anymore. With people in general I have to filter my thoughts so that 1) i make sense and 2) I don't say something I didn't intend for it to sound like. That can take a lot of work especially with people who don't know me well. So all day I am trying to adjust what I'm about to say, like proof reading as you're talking. Also I am observing people's actions and words, trying to decipher what they are revealing about themselves. My inner thoughts: "He said he is friends with her but he had this weird sort of sad/upset/disappointed-look, so maybe even though they are friends they just had a fight." So then I try to direct the conversation to confirm my thoughts, to see if I am interpreting correctly. It's kind of like when you say something and your friend raises their eyebrows like "you are weird" and you're like "What??" You are reading their expression and you know what they are thinking,its like that but with smaller expressions mixed in what they say and what they are actually saying. It's something I absolutely love doing but if I am not in a good mindset myself, I get really worn out from my own attitude and all the over thinking. My way of thinking is really good when it comes to treating people the right way and counseling but not when I am insecure. It pumps my insecurity up 10 levels. because then it's the "well they said that as a joke but what if its like half serious. Do they actually secretly think I'm annoying but they won't come out and say it because they don't want to be mean....." You get the gist. And it makes me feel more alone. See, you might be reading this thinking "You need to chill out and stop over thinking" or "this chick is just crazy!" And either one may be right, but it doesn't make me stop from doing it. Because i've had numerous people say that but I keep doing it. So I'm thinking, probably no one reads this and if the occasional passerby does, if i make this long enough they probably won't. I freaking hate love. Like, its the best thing in the world, but when it feels like everyone around you is experiencing it and you're not, it sucks. Like everyday, I'm showing love to people. I try to enjoy when people show me affection or show they care about me, but it gets tainted with my insecurities, paranoia, and past experiences. Like, a friend at work tells me she misses me when we haven't seen each other for a few days. But I had a really good friend tell me that every time I saw her at church, and she never tried to hang out after that. So now when someone says it to me more than twice i think "yeah, we'll see." And its horrible. This girl is being legit, I can see it in her face, but my heart doesn't take it in because I don't want to believe I'm that important to actually be missed by anyone. It's good I'm not in a relationship right now because i'd probably be really mean and find the things that get under his skin, do them, so then i can show him he doesn't really want me. Thats probably what i would do the whole time, is just be like "I'm too depressing, too annoying, too random, too silly. You won't want me. And if you like silly, I'll be too serious." I was open to pushing past my fears and hurt, but now with all that's gone on this year, I'd rather just show the worst from the start, they will assume thats how it will always be and they'll bail. People say you should take the risk of being hurt and be open to love and possibilities, but I want someone who will look into my soul and want to stay with me. I have met no one like that. So now, I have chosen to just have fun with people. I"m not serious so if they leave, they leave. If they don't care as much as I do then, no big deal. It's just fun. Does thinking like this make it easier? Well.... I'm working on it. In some ways I'm not so paranoid, like questioning things people do or say, so i enjoy them better and see them better. Like, see who they really are, better. But that ache for wanting intimacy doesn't go away. When I'm laughing with friends, or when someone tells me I'm cute or adorable, or kissing someone, its easy to forget. Not that i feel like those are times of great intimacy but its enough going on that i don't feel the ache. Loneliness does not exist. I am liked and enjoyed. well i'm too tired to go on. I need sleep. Tomorrow's my day off and I need all my energy to sit there and do nothing all day. What fun!! But it better than getting stressed at work I guess.