The Ugly Truth

Beautiful, lush wildlife surrounding Adam and Eve. Living without want and basking in perfect love, by Love itself. What more could you ask for?

Satan goes after Eve. She resembles God's beauty, something he use to be. She possesses the very thing he gave up when he tried to become God. And how does Eve fall for it? She questions if God is really holding out on her. That there is something he isn't giving her that she should have.

So she takes things into her own hands.

She takes control of the situation..... and sin enters the world.

Why We Love Chick-flicks
Have you ever realized how many movies, how many chick-flicks are about women who have to control their lives (generally Katherine Heigl(The Ugly Truth) plays a lot of these roles in her films). She's afraid of getting hurt and suddenly a man enters her life, which at first is seems like a loser who lacks all manners but can see through the crap that the female protagonist tries to put on like she has it all together.

Fairly predictable.

But it moves something in me. And my heart clings even tighter to the hope that someone will see through my defenses and the lies I tell myself and someone will want me enough to fight for me.

Control
But before we get to that, girls, our struggle? What is it? Just like Eve, aren't there things in your life that you have to have it go the way you want or you'll freak? For me, I need men to know that they cannot dominate me. I don't have a vendetta to make them all feel inferior, I just want them to know that they cannot take advantage of me or anyone else. When I sense that I guy is pushing his weight around I jump in. I attack the one thing that I know I can hurt, their ego. I pick out their weak points and try to tear them a part. Even if I'm not exactly on the mark. Anything to show them they can't do what they want.

Why??
I do it because I'm scared. I'm afraid I will be hurt. That a man will start to control me to a point that I can't get out.

What am I really doing? The very thing that God gave men, their strength, is the very thing that I NEED to receive from a man for my beauty to come out, I reject. But, I can't let go of that control. I don't trust men and I, obviously, don't trust God to take care of me if the men in my life fail.

I am taking things into my own hands. If I don't take care of myself no one else will. No one is looking to cover my back. And even if they wanted to they don't have the strength. Even if they wanted to, would they fight if they had to fight me to save me from myself??

The question every woman, every girl, is asking: Am I captivating? Am I beautiful? Am I worth fighting for?

And when those questions are answered badly, like "you're ugly. you're nothing." Maybe you were raped and anything attractive about you is dark, disgusting. Or like me, your father wasn't there so the answer is nothing. And it hurts just as much. The thoughts come rushing in "I guess not. Even if there was someone to answer they'd probably say no. Especially since they didn't show up to give you one."

So we take things into our control. No one gets close enough unless I say they do. But they'll have to show me they won't hurt me before that'll happen. I don't want to feel lonely so I'll just consume myself with work. If I cut deep enough I can be in control of my pain. If I have sex when I want then I can be in control, not like when that happened.

The ways we try to keep control. We hold on to what we can.

But where does that get us? We become hard. We build up defenses until we are surrounded by a fortress that smothers us and leaves us alone.

HOPE
So now that we've looked at what we're doing, what's the point? What do we do about it?

Well, I'm glad you asked ^_^ We need to know we're loved. We need to know that we are captivating and that someone is willing to fight for us.

Jesus has fought evil, endured people ridiculing him, spitting on him, beating the crap out of him, mutilating him, all for you. With every blow he took, he took it for you. Jesus is a prince, he's God's son. And he's got his eyes set on you. And not only did he fight for your soul two thousand years ago, he fights for your heart every day. In nature, circumstances in your life, with the good things he wants to lavish gifts on you and in hard times he is holding out his hand asking "Do you trust me?"

He is fighting for your heart every minute of every day. "Look at me. Trust me. I want you to get to know me. Spend time with me. I don't care that you just did that thing you're not suppose to do five minutes ago, I want you. You are beautiful. Come see that I am good."

When you realize that the one person who knows you the best, knows how to love you the best is fighting for your love, your perspective on life changes. You start to relax more. You stop questioning how you look or what other people are thinking of you. You actually start becoming more like you than you realized was there.

The ugly truth is that no one on earth is going to fill that void in your heart. People will fail you at some point. You will fail other people. But, the beautiful truth is that Jesus does fill that void and he loves you in a way you could never imagine. And he's not just some replacement because you weren't loved the way you were suppose to be. Love here on earth only pales in comparison to the love Jesus wants to give you and were designed for.

In the past few weeks, I've been so surprised when I am talking to people and I realize that I am not worried about saying the right thing, wondering if they really care about me. Happiness is dependent on something. Joy is dependent on someone. Being comfortable with who you are is knowing that you are worth a lot, you are beautiful, you are wanted and you are worth being fought for. And knowing that person that loves you that much.

"Do you trust me?"

Rules Are Meant To Be Broken... Or Just Formulas

Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
-Robert Frost

Everyone's had this moment. You want to do things a certain way but everyone is telling you to do it their way. And you follow them. You're not even 100% sure your way is right but they seem more sure than you. Maybe they are older.Maybe they've been doing it longer.

Whatever the reason, we resigned. We follow the path taken by most and look back longingly at the one we wanted to take but was full of uncertainty.

The Path Taken By Most

I had a friendship with a boy. He was the ONE person in my life (I thought at the time) that saw my strength and still wanted to be around me. He actually enjoyed it. So, as any normal junior high student girl, I thought "This is it. He's the guy of my life. He accepts me for who I am." (He didn't really,because I always felt ignored when I was weak)

But for a long time I settled (in my mind), even when I didn't like that guy anymore I believed he was the best I was going to get. Not the guy of my dreams or the best in my mind but that was the best quality level I could expect to attract. I would have someone faking strength, pretending his weaknesses weren't there, and wouldn't see me for me. Now, I could take this in a whole other direction with this but I want to stay with my original direction.

I was taking the road that was saying "You know where I go. It's safe. You won't be alone. If you go the other way who knows if you will ever have anyone that will take notice again. Most likely not."

The Road Less Traveled Speaks

And as my heart would resign to the voice of the first road, a voice whispered "What if? What if you can everything you really want? You can't see where I go but you know what can be down this road. But you won't experience it if you settle now."

Confused, but swayed enough by the second voice, I rolled over and continued to cry on my bed. Just because I decided not to take the first road didn't mean I had the confidence to go down the other.

This is one example in love, but the voice telling you to follow what you are certain of, what the other people around you are doing too, you should follow. They are the formulas to follow. The scripts already written for your life.

"Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing...Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life; gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation" (My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers)

What we see as common sense is not always the right advice for our life. When I was going to China and I had to raise $11,500 for it. I needed $5000 of it before I boarded the plane. I had $2500 two weeks before we left. Several people asked if this is really what God wanted for me to do right now. I didn't know how to respond. I thought I knew that God wanted me to go but circumstances were saying something very different. Someone I respected told me that I should consider other options if this doesn't work out and she even had some info printed out for me. So that was my back up plan. That was the formula: when (what you want)+(what you need to do it) don't equal success at the appropriate amount of time then that equals God doesn't want you to do it.

But if we go by that formula then God did not want me to go to China. I didn't even have the $5000 I needed when I got on the plane. But I went. And I stayed for the whole nine months of the trip.

"There are no formulas with God. Period. So there are no formulas for the man who follows him." (Wild At Heart by John Elderedge)

God doesn't use formulas in our lives. He's not bound by formulas but we always want to put them on him. It's how we stay certain that things are alright. That things are in control.

God's a formula breaker. Look at Jesus he doesn't heal the same way twice. It's always different. The battle at Jericho, was it successful? Heck yes! But Israel never does it again. God's a dangerous guy who walks on the wild side of life. We are intrigued by the mystery of him but we don't want to take the risk to get out of the boat and on the water with him.

So here's the road. It's diverging. Which one are you going to take? Me, I'm taking the one less traveled and it's already making all the difference. But, it's not easy.

"Never make a principle out of your experience; let God be as original with other people as he is with you" -Oswald Chambers

Let God continue to be original with you.

Your Two Cents

"Can't they just shut up already?? I mean, can't they tell everyone just wants to move on with the discussion?"

You're in a group setting and that person gets their chance to talk, or they push their way in, and they just keep talking and talking and talking. They are telling their opinion about something, talking about their experience, but they just keep going and going without much of a point, except to talk about themselves.

You know a person like that. You are probably thinking of them right now.

And if it's in church it's even worse! You feel bad for even thinking it because it would be so rude and we should be loving towards everyone, even this person. But why can't they just take the socially appropriate amount of time to share their two cents? And not the whole five dollars!!

How often have we stopped to ask why they keep going on and on?

The more I read John Elderedge's books (Wild AT Heart, Captivating, The Sacred Romance) the clearer it becomes is that we have issues. In some way we've been hurt and neglected. We all try to find ways to cover up that pain and make sure it never hurts us again.

But... our heart is cruel and continues to cry out for love even when we try to stuff it down. We tell it to shut up. There is no love in the way you want it. Deal with it. And maybe for a while it is quiet, but in the middle of the night, in the silence after a movie, the times when you take a step back and look at your life.

Your heart lets out a quiet cry. "I want love. I want to be known."

And how do we fulfill the longing?? People. Things. We find ways to get some inkling of that feeling.

Now how does this tie in with the guy in the group that won't shut up? Indirectly, behind ALL THOSE WORDS he's saying "Look at me. Listen to me. I want to share myself. I can see you're trying to tell me to stop, but when I do I'll be ignored again. Now you're frustrated so now you will ignore me on purpose. No, I won't stop. I want to keep this moment."

One of the Dibor, Mike, was really shy. He came to Dibor and everyone assumed he was an introvert. But as God asked him to step out the more he talked. And believe me, he talked. Sometimes in discussions when someone else started talking he would butt in. We realized at some point, this kid is an extrovert. He loves talking and sharing his thoughts with people. He just didn't believe what he said had any worth.

Sometimes it was annoying, but for the most part I completely understood what was going because the same thing happened to me. In school I felt like no one cared about me. I felt ignored, disliked. So I sort of closed myself up. But when I got the chance to show myself I could go on forever. The more God healed me and showed me I was valuable the more I kept talking.

Inside it was like over the years what I had to say got bottled up instead of tossed to the side. All that desire of wanting to be heard, to be known, just bursted out of me when I got me chance to talk. Sometimes I would say things in a longer way than what needed to be said, not because I needed an excuse to talk longer but because I hadn't practiced talking as much as I needed.

So please post a comment. How have you been hiding? How long have you been hiding? I want to see you.

Rum continued....

I guess I need to clear up my purpose writing my blog "What a bottle of rum can do for you." The point is to show what God was doing with me in that instance and share the experience to show God's heart. I experienced an openness I realized I could have with God ALL the time. It is an openness that I knew at that time and know now is that I can have with God everyday. God wants that with me.

Am I going to get drunk to get that? No

Am I going to drink even a little alcohol to get there? No

I believe when I wrote that blog, first, I was in my right mind. I knew that what I wrote and what I did at that time I would not regret it later. And looking back on it I do not regret what I said or did.

My purpose with my blogs is to share my experiences so that hopefully someone somewhere sometime can get something to help them with their walk with God. Is everything I say nice and comfortable? I hope not. When life sucks where do you escape to? A lot of people use the internet. It's safe. When you want answers or just to know that someone is experiencing something you are experiencing, what do you do? If I feel too uncomfortable to talk to someone to find out if they can give me answers I go to the internet. I like to read peoples' blogs.

Matt Drake talks about somethings that I think "You can't be writing those things. Someone will get the wrong idea!" But then when I take a step back I realize I love reading his blogs anyway.

Why?

Because he's being honest. He's being transparent and I like that and want that in myself. And he's asking the same things I've asked. Thought the same things I've thought. I want to hopefully come along side people in this way, but then direct them towards God. Give them some hope that someone can feel what they are feeling and get out of it and get some answers.

I love the response of this blog. I've had more people talk to me about this one blog entry than any other. But it's cool to see that the people who are talking to me love me. They care about me. They see where alcohol, or any substance, has taken people and they don't want me to go there. And that is awesome! I love that you guys are that concerned about me. Thank you for loving me enough to confront me.

I love experiencing things with God and then sharing it with people. Not so that people can say "How nice for you" or "oh you are so holy" but I want people to be encouraged by what God is doing for me and then they would want that for themselves and ask God for it.God want you to live like I lived the other night. Not by alcohol but by being free to worship him without thinking how ridiculous you look. To talk to him without hearing the lies that you "oh you are being petty. Oh you shouldn't get so upset about something like that."

NOOOO!!!

He wants you to live with freedom and go to him with confidence that you can say what you want and be honest with your heart and show him your brokenness.

Should you use alcohol or any substance to get you there? That is not my position to say. Only God can answer that for you. My thought on it is that God wants you to willingly come to him and be honest with him. If that means you use something like alcohol or something to get you comfortable enough to do that, then that is wrong. God gave us our will for a reason. Otherwise he'd just let us move the chemicals in our bodies around so that we would come to him. That's not your will. You are not choosing him. You are not coming to him in faith or with trusting him.

God used this experience to show me what is possible for me and him. And he has shown this to me when I was on spiritual highs too. He also showed me when I was completely broken. Not hanging onto anything. So has God showed me this before alcohol?? Yes! This is just a reminder.

And the cool thing is that God kept me safe through the whole experience. He kept my mind right and he kept outside things from taking advantage of the state I was in. I am very grateful.

When Paul is writing his letter to the Corinthians he talks about food offered to idols and some peopled believed that if the food was given to idols then it was a sin to eat it. Like it was unclean. But Paul said in 1 Corinthians 10:30 "If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for? So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

But it also continues to say "Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved."

So is this licence to drink? If that's what you're going for. No. But everything God made with a purpose and we are to be thankful for it. But like it says if it causes someone to stumble, if it hurts someone's faith then it is not good. And I care about how this affects people's walk with God more than doing something that I have been given freedom to enjoy. This is not entitlement. If this hurts someone's faith then it is not right for me to do this. But I am going to acknowledge the freedom we have and share about that freedom. Not in a "in your face I'm right, you're wrong" but "hey we've been given a freedom to enjoy what God made and he wants you to see a part of him with everything he's made. He designs with a purpose."

Our eyes have to stay on him and his purpose. Sometimes he wants us to take part in a pleasure he's made for us, sometimes he doesn't want you to because it will hurt someone, and sometimes he doesn't let you because you can't handle at this point.

My point: seek God. I am. And he's teaching me new things every day. What people say is right or wrong is not the ultimate authority. God is and we need to see what he says. He gave a wonderful book for us so that we can see his heart for us.

I like the feedback. Keep it up. I'm going to reply to comments from now on. Sorry for not doing it so much in the past.

What A Bottle of Rum Can Do For You

I haven't posted in a while, but if you are interested in what I was doing you can read my blog from this past year while I was Dibor, a discipleship program in NY, at: enterthedibor.blogspot.com

I have turned 21 and I have drank alcohol on my 21st birthday, which I drank with my friend Esther who is the same exact age as me. So we celebrated it together. Today I was alone ALL day long. It was pretty good because I think God could talk to me more since I wasn't distracted by other people. I had a toothache and I thought putting some of the alcohol I bought would help. It did. Put now I feel a little tipsy, that's the word I think they use for this. The feeling isn't much different from taking 2 or 3 Benedryll, except that you are not as tired. And rum, if you plug your nose, isn't much different from the taste of Dayquil/Nyquil.

Anyway, the reason I want to write this isn't to talk about being drunk or anything like that, but what God is showing me with this. I feel very free at the moment. I can't hear Satan's lies about how ridiculous I look while I am on the floor crying out to God while I sing Forever Reign. I say out loud what comes to mind. I am free to talk with God without having to hear and be constrained by what Satan is telling me.

I think most people would look at me and say that I am drunk.I do have a somewhat hard time walking straight, but like I said it's no different than when I have taken Benedryll, except I'm not as tired. But what is going on in my mind is much different than what you can see on the outside. I am thinking clearly. I mean, I can type this well enough. The point is, I'm at a point I want to be at the rest of my life. Living in freedom. I am being everything in my mind I've wanted to do but would always hesitate and never do. Instead of just thinking things to God, I am saying them loud and clear. No reservations. From my heart straight to him. No mind interaction. Isn't that the reason for speaking in tongues. Talking to God without our minds, our little understanding of things to get in the way. Believe me, I am not promoting drinking, let alone drunkenness. I never want to get anywhere beyond this point. I think God is making sure that at least my mind is all together. And this isn't the way to have relationship with God.

What I am trying to say is that it is showing me what Adele looks like when she's not worried about what she looks like or what she sound like.

It is pure Adele.

And it is my aim to be like this everyday of my life. Constantly 100% me with God, all the time. Yeah, my body feels pretty good, but you know my spirit feels pretty free right now. And if my body has to endure pain or whatever the cost, I intend to live with openness like this with God for the rest of my life.

A substance or experience isn't going to keep you like this with God. Being all open with God over and over again isn't going to come through any other means because anything you go to besides God is an addiction. And addictions are a brilliant design from Satan to keep you prisoner and sidetracked from God.

The wrong idea we have is formulas. They work in science and math but not with God. He doesn't like doing things the same way twice. When Jesus healed in the bible, he spits on someone, he spits in the dirt and then rubs it on their eyes, he touches them, he says "Get up and walk", and sometimes all he says is "Your faith has healed you." I mean where is the mediocrity in that?!!!

And we have addictions/formulas on how we get God to move the way we want him to. But hey, SURPRISE!! God doesn't move because we want him to, he does it because He wants to. But he's chosen to wait until we want him to. HOW Romantic!! So these formulas. Well here's one: "If I ask God again, with more praising and more of the spiritual warfare lingo maybe he'll come through" or what about "If I fast for seven days (God's special number) then God will give me the raise I need"

Hey! I'e done that thinking A LOT! I've believed that no matter what I am thinking or feeling, if I do what God wants, if I sacrifice the right way or say the right specific thing I will get what I want.

We BELIEVE these lies and this way of life is just like any other addiction. It's what we rely on other than the heart of God. We want to take life into our control and get what we want if we do these certain things. How different is this logic than anyone who has any kind of addiction. "I can't get a hold of things, but if I do this I know what result I will get and its going to make everything better." I'm not talking about the physical stuff of addictions, but our way of justifying in our minds.

God is not a cash machine that if we press the right buttons in the right combination then he will come through for us. That's religion at it's very best. It's pretending, being a poser ad that's how we lose our hearts. That's where we become cold, we lose ourselves and we start to wonder why we are doing this in the first place.

I've been there. And it sucks!

But not seeing God's heart, we lose our own. By not seeing who he is and his purpose for us, we lose ours.

God just wants your heart back. And he wants you to see his.