The Pain of Being Annoying

Why do we open ourselves up when we will most likely get hurt? Is that searing pain worth anything? Does opening your heart up actually benefit anyone?

I recently had a Facebook conversation with a guy I use to play soccer with. Before I go much farther I have to explain the background. For some reason I always ticked this guy off. I felt just my mere presence made him break out in hives or something. He would criticize things I said or did. Of course, I was a young, insecure girl so everything he said I would take as "the whole world must think this! It is so obvious to him how stupid I am. Just the rest of the world won't tell me out of pity or something!" I really really disliked him for the longest time. As I got older and spent less time around him anytime he said something I would roll my eyes just like he had done to me when we were younger. I still can't play soccer without his critical attitude drilling into my brain.

So the fact that we were friends on FB was astonishing enough. And then we had a nice conversation too. I was amazed! It was like a miracle had happened, I saw for the first time that it was possible that he was a nice guy 0_0 But of course he was a nice guy. He had many friends when we played soccer together. No one disliked him as much as I did, I realized that even when I was younger. I only saw one side of this guy and assumed that deep down he was only capable of treating me like this.

After coming to the realization that he was a normal person and I had only seen a much less pleasant side of him, I had an idea! We.... could be friends!! It might actually be possible to want to be friends with this person who had caused me emotional suffering and insecurity for years.

Long story short, he did not want to. He was confused (understandably so) as to why, after such a long time of disliking each other, I would suddenly want to be friends. And so he reverted back to being mean to get me to stop asking him to hang out with him.

It hurt a lot. I stepped out, taking the risk that he would treat me like he did before and get hurt. Possibly laughed at. Though i don't know if he laughed at me or not. We were on FB and he didn't say he was laughing. Just annoyed. I felt complete rejection.

Was it worth it? At the time I didn't feel like it was. I was hurt and he was annoyed. Nothing seemed to have changed from years ago. Although nothing has happened since then I can say that what I learned from it was worth it. I learned how to be rejected and not turn my hurt into hate or callousness. I will get hurt when I open myself up to people. We live in a world that is not perfect and everyone has a self-serving default mode. And we all default to it. I wanted to default to closing myself off to taking a risk and opening myself up to everyone after that conversation. But will I be able to reach people and tear down their defensive walls of their hearts if I am still hiding behind my own walls?

So is the pain worth it? Yes, if I remember I am loved by someone who matters above the rest, God. If I base my self worth on any other relationship I will always be insecure. But I realized that not only with this guy, but with everyone else around me I base my self-worth on their opinions of me, my thoughts, and actions. Even this blog, I continue to go back over what I have said and I think "Will this seem stupid? They probably won't like this analogy." I constantly run these programmed criticisms in my head, assuming what people are thinking or will say to me.

Walk your Talk

I hate when people in authority say something and their actions say another. What you say and what you do have to be the same otherwise people will look at the two conflicting and the respect they have for you will go out the window.

Like my teacher, she told us to recycle our batteries and that we should take care of the earth. Then she threw the classroom's batteries in the trash. After that, any time a teacher has told me I should do something for the sake of the environment around me or something I don't listen. A lot of the authority around me, not just in school, have been inconsistent with putting their words into action. I think that is where my dislike of authority would come from.

But I don't want to do that. Not for my sake but for what I want to happen in the world. If my influence has a bad effect on someone it would be counter productive to my mission in life. I want to clear up the confusion the media and our society put in our heads, not add to it. This past year I have tried to work through a lot of lies I believed in my life. I don't want to be the cause of that or someone else.

Batteries and Politician's Agenda

My mom continues to flip through the channels of the television from NCIS to some argumentative newscasters on CNN. They're saying "George Bush didn't do this" and "(some other politician I don't know) did this! How could he do that to the American people!?"

I don't like watching or getting involved in any kind of politics. It's not because I don't like the conflict it's just that I don't want to get wrapped up in the drama happening daily in our political arenas. And it's not that I don't care about the people in America, I just hate it when people are trying to get me to buy into their ideas when they themselves don't really care about them but are trying to gain something else from it. I mean, it's not fun getting your emotions all riled up and then find out that person who convinced you in the first place doesn't care.

Once in fourth grade our teacher was telling us how bad it is for the environment to throw away your batteries. We should take them to a place that recycles them. So as a little 10 year old I'm like "Yeah! Every battery I use I'm going to save and take them to one of those places and save the environment!" Within the next couple of days I walk by our classroom trash can and I see 'em! Two batteries sitting at the bottom of the empty trash can! 'How dare they endanger the environment! Ah! My teacher she will share my shock and disgust!' So I pick them out of the trash can and show them to my teacher. She tells me she threw them in there when she changed the batteries in the clock on the wall. So I walk back to my desk bewildered why my teacher would advocate something she wouldn't even do in her own classroom with all the impressional children observing her actions day in and day out.

I know that's not what pushed me over the mistrust-of-authority edge but it is an impressional experience encouraging the voice in me that screams "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson. Danger!" anytime someone is trying to convince me I should believe in something or agree with their point of view, especially authority figures.

So now I hope you can understand why I see politicians' (or anyone pursuading others to follow something) agenda easliy tossed aside like those batteries in my fourth grade trash can.

Bonsai??

I got the idea for using bonsai trees from the movie "Ninja Assassin." In the movie the main character is being trained to become a ninja. They are taught under harsh conditions and punished severely. The students cut somewhere on their body every time they fail at something. One scene the students are tending to bonsai trees and every tree has a wiring around it, controlling how the tree will grow. The wires on the bonsai trees represents the way the ninja clan's control over the students and their strong hand forming them to be killing machines. One female student cuts the wires on a bonsai tree foreshadowing her cutting the wires restricting her own freedom to grow and live as she chooses.

In the same way I can parallel this to my own life. I allow the wires of expectation and judgement to come around my life and mold me into a person I believe they want me to be. I do things or say things because I believe people would want me to say it and I want them to like me. I need their approval for the things I do and say. I allow their words and their opinions about myself and the world around me pull and tug at my branches causing me to live a life that is not mine, a life that is unnatural. When I succumb to their suppression I become less authentic, I become less of the person I want to be.